Too Much

I was having a long conversation with a friend the other day and I could tell she was agitated. As we talked, I was allowing space for her to bring up whatever was bothering her. Her tone was sharp even though we were talking about benign things. Her comments were defensive and accusatory at the same time. Goodness, I know her well enough to know she was hurting somewhere but it wasn’t surfacing.

We were just aimlessly walking through a park and paused to look at some odd collection of flowers. I took the initiative and stood in front of her and said, “Girl, what is wrong? I see it on your face and hear it in your voice. Something is troubling you.” She looked at me and the words tumbled out, “It’s too much. Life is just too much right now.”

Wow. This summed up everything I have been feeling as well. Life is too much. Too much activity, too much stimulation, too many distractions, too many demands, too many mean people. Yeah, I was definitely tired of the mean people.

We can find life is too much when we have too many expectations on how life should be, how people should behave, how “this wasn’t what I thought I was signing up for”. I fall victim to this all the time. When I give my all to a project, I have expectations that it will be successful and well received by the people or organization I am serving. That’s how it should be, right? When I am a member of a committee that at every meeting dissolves into power mongering, gossip, and manipulation, I am disappointed and appalled by the disrespect. That’s not how it should be, right?

I have expectations, they are not achieved, I suffer. Ugh. It’s just too much.

And then I realize that is where my power lies. When it’s all too much, it’s time to let it go even if it means giving up on goals, dreams, and even relationships. I have to recognize that pushing too much is not a good thing; seeing when my effort does not produce results strong enough to sustain. My efforts, as well as hers, are not having a return on our investment.

Tami, let it go and pivot. I think in the AA program it’s one of the steps when you hit bottom and realize you are powerless, and life has become unmanageable. It’s too much and I am done.

Andrea and I continued our walk in the park allowing the conversation to get deeper than just house repairs and vacation plans. As our steps became slower and shorter, words became sparce but the love we have for each other was thickening. We agreed life was too much but that is just what life was going to do. We agreed to let go of what no longer served us or was becoming an energy vampire even if that meant releasing a project of great significance. We agreed to step back from relationships that needed reevaluating and hoping to put them back on a better trajectory. Or not.

Then we agreed Mary Oliver was a great poet, shaving our legs is overrated, Wanda Sykes is hysterical, and community theater is the bomb.

And we agreed to go to lunch at a college dive bar and all was well. This was definitely not too much.